Why I Choose Self-Compassion Over Self-Esteem
In our increasingly disconnected, dissociated, stressed out society, it's no surprise that our collective mental health is suffering and that an increasing number of people are engaging in therapy and other modes of healing. I’ll admit, it’s easy for me to be cynical with all the personal development buzzwords circulating these days, as their meaning can become diluted with overuse (self-care and boundaries, anyone?). But the truth is, many of these are rooted in both sound psychological science and various cultural and spiritual practices and are deserving of our attention.
One such concept, and one that truly underlies all of our work at Home Body Therapy, is self-compassion. You might be thinking, “I know, I know, I have low self-esteem and need to work on it.” And while self-esteem has been researched and written about extensively, much of the advice out there on how to build it is in fact promoting self-compassion. I would actually argue that the practice of self-compassion rather than the resultant self-esteem is what promotes well-being—but first, let’s back up a little bit and explore what these terms actually mean.
Self-esteem refers to how favorably we view ourselves. To build self-esteem we must look for evidence that we are good enough. We search for reassurance that our job is impressive. That others find us attractive. That we make enough, do enough, and therefore we are enough.
But when the goal is always to feel better about ourselves, we inevitably look for what separates us from others in order to measure our value. What sets me apart from you? What makes me special—i.e., unlike everyone else? You can see how, In this way, self-esteem can actually foster separateness and isolation.
It also makes self-esteem a moving target. Because what happens when someone else around us gets a promotion, enters into a new relationship, buys a bigger house? Suddenly our belief that we are enough gets called into question, leaving us feeling deflated and insecure.
Self-compassion is about how we treat ourselves even under the most difficult circumstances. It’s a practice we can carry with us through the relationship we cultivate with ourselves, regardless of how good we feel about ourselves in any given moment. This is invaluable to breaking free from perfectionistic tendencies and harsh self-criticism.
Self-compassion fosters connection by acknowledging our shared humanity. Upon recognizing that we are all connected, we can see that self-compassion is merely inward-facing compassion. It is no longer distinct from the compassion we direct outwardly towards others. This is good news, as for many people, particularly highly sensitive people and perfectionists, cultivating compassion towards others feels more natural than for ourselves. As we are all one, so is our compassion.
Whereas the quest for self-esteem prompts us to ask, "How do I measure up?" self-compassion offers: "I am worthy regardless of how I measure up." Self-compassion represents a turning towards ourselves, rather than away, in our darkest moments. It’s not merely acceptance of our imperfection or suffering, but rather awareness of these as parts of the universal human experience we all share.
