Can't Let It Go? Try Letting It Be.
Have you ever found yourself coming back to a negative thought or uncomfortable emotion over and over, perhaps replaying something that happened or was said? You might even get frustrated with yourself that you keep coming back to it (whatever it is), and wondering why you “can’t just let it go.” I hear this all the time from clients, friends, and there’s no shortage of social media posts casually suggesting you “let that sh*t go.”
The thing is, if it was as easy as just letting it go, most of us would have done that already. We put so much effort into numbing our uncomfortable feelings that I guarantee if we could just turn that switch off, we would.
Much of the work I do with clients is around building a tolerance to feeling—even the darkest and yuckiest feelings. Oftentimes this starts with simply identifying what the feeling actually is, which is harder than many people expect. If they can’t identify it by name we might explore what it feels like in the body, as this offers another way to access what’s going on.
Without identifying what’s going on, we often turn to various behaviors, some less harmful (think mindlessly scrolling your phone) and others potentially much more dangerous (such as disordered eating or substance abuse) to simply get rid of it (which never really works). Once identified, however, we can begin to create some space to sit with the feeling, which is so important to the healing process. Rather than just letting it go, which disavows this part of our experience and cuts us off from everything we can learn from it, we take this time to let it be.
Now, letting it be does not mean that we like what’s going on or that we condone something awful that’s happened to us. It simply means that we bring a non-judgmental awareness to the experience of our suffering in that moment, and see it for what it is. This is one way of practicing mindfulness.
It can even help to place your hands over your heart or wrap your arms around yourself in a hug as you sit with it. You can gently acknowledge it with words, such as “Yes, this is painful,” or “Suffering is happening.” There’s no fixing or doing anything other than just being with it.
Practicing this open, caring, and compassionate response to yourself might soften the intensity of the feeling slightly. It might not, and that’s ok, too—you can just notice that and repeat the kind words to yourself, or return to the feeling of your breath or your arms around each other to ground yourself in the moment as needed.
The healing process doesn’t end with letting it be, but it’s worth taking the time to focus on this step in order to build emotional resilience (the ability to adapt to stressful situations) and distress tolerance (the capacity to manage internal emotional states when faced with stressful situations). So the next time you find yourself wondering why you can’t just let something go, know that you don’t have to--and in fact, you’re much more likely to grow from the experience if you try letting it be instead.
